soul

(no subject)

So, lately, an old bug has been buzzing around my mind.

Last yeah, I quit on NaNoWriMo because of my cancer diagnosis. And now I finally don't feel like crap all the time (still not great but so much better than pretty much the first half of this year), I've had an urge to revisit this idea that has been kicking around my mind for a while.

Collapse )

I think this could be a good story if I wrote it. But I don't know if I have the stamina for it. And I'm not sure how I'll be health wise in November. So I don't know.

Sometimes, I think I should just write it outside of NaNo. Don't put myself under that time crunch and pressure and just work on it slowly now... I don't know.
soul

(no subject)

It's my last night at home.

Tomorrow I go to Portland and will be starting treatment for my cancer. My town doesn't have the capabilities of handling radiation so I'll be going to OHSU for treatment. This is a good thing since OHSU is Oregon's best hospital and our only medical school. I'm probably in the best hands that I could be in this state.

But treatment is 7 weeks, five daily radiation treatments and once weekly chemotherapy. I will definitely be starting chemo tomorrow. Radiation is a bit up in the air since they seemed to have canceled my appointment without calling me so I'm going to have to figure that out tomorrow morning before we go. It's definitely scheduled for Tuesday so maybe I'm starting radiation them? I just wish they could have told me about it so I'm not all confused...

But it would be stupid to commute daily to Portland (over 60 miles away) for treatment so I'll be staying with my sister for the duration of treatment. I really hope I can come home after the radiation ends but I'm probably going to need more chemo after it so I have no idea how my health will be then.

And later this week, I'm going to get a feeding tube put in. That part, I'm actually kinda freaked out about. It's a routine procedure and is being done as a proactive measure more than anything else but there's always a risk with surgery and apparently, this one has about a 3% chance of something going wrong. It's small but it's still lingering in the back of my mind... But hopefully nothing goes wrong...

I feel like I have no idea what to expect except I should because I've researched it and I've talked to all my doctors about it already... But nothing beats hands on knowledge and the fact that everyone is different is making me a bit anxious... I just don't want to be made completely dead from my first chemo session... Radiation is supposed to be okay for the first week or two but chemo side effects are real and tomorrow is going to be a long day for me. I really hope it's not going to take the 6 hours they've blocked off for it... :\
  • Current Mood
    anxious anxious
soul

Cancer

Today I was told I had early Stage 4 Nasopharyngeal Cancer.

Collapse )

Collapse )

Collapse )

Fingers crossed for my fight. I'm praying even though I'm an atheist but every bit counts right? (Hopefully this doesn't work against me being an atheist and all...) It's gonna get real very quick if it hasn't already... This sucks but this is the hand that I was dealt so I'll just have to make due the best I can. I hope to document this the best I can, if only as a journal for others with my type of cancer. Here's hoping for the best outcome!
  • Current Mood
    indescribable indescribable
soul

(no subject)

So today, a homeless person asked me for some help. As someone who isn't homeless, I'm acutely aware of how much better my life is so I always seem to have a fair amount of guilt coloring all my actions towards the less fortunate. Which is why I agreed. Plus he said he was a hard of hearing, partially blind, Vietnam veteran who had been ripped off by Greyhound and hit by a car yesterday. This sets the scene.

So already I was questioning my decision to help this guy who seems very sketchy. I reluctantly believe his story since I try to assume people aren't lying to me so the pity and sympathy I'm feeling is strong. Plus, I figure a few minutes of my life to help this guy, what could it hurt?

Unfortunately, he wasn't the nice, grateful for help type of guy. He was curt and started to order me around. A woman saw this and objected to the way he was treating me. I just wanted to get this over with and get away so I tried to reassure her that I was okay and try and diffuse the situation.

That did not work because the homeless guy went off his rails and started yelling at the woman to back off and that he would do whatever he wanted. That pissed her off more and she starts really getting into it. And then her husband, incensed by how this homeless guy was treating his wife, starts getting into it as well.

So now I'm in the middle of this escalating situation and I have no idea what to do aside from trying to separate the parties and hope it doesn't descend into violence because the husband is really mad and the homeless guy won't shut up about how horrible everything was. He insults the couple who were Mexican and if you know me, you know I don't stand for that racist shit and I start getting upset. But the Mexicans weren't the only people who he hates because apparently everyone in the state of Oregon are awful, insane people and the people of Hood River even more so.

During all of this, he proclaims that people from Arizona (where he was from) were a much nicer, civilized bunch of people. When I pointed out the fact that he wasn't in Arizona, he literally tells me to go to Arizona. Like wtf?! Is that like some kind of reverse "go back to where you're from"?

The couple thankfully leaves without someone getting punched and the guy is still ranting about "those people" and how no one can tell him what to do because he was a disabled vet who got hit by a car. I tell him that doesn't excuse him from being a decent human being and he says that it does. So I remind him that I'm trying to do a nice thing and go out of my way to help him. It doesn't even seem to resonate with him because he blamed the woman for getting him riled up.

At this point, I had had enough and told him I was going to leave and that he could figure things out on his own if that is the way he was going to treat people who try to help him. He says he still needs help and demands that I stay and help him because he was a disabled vet who had gotten hit by a Mexican driving a car. I'm keeping most of this sanitized because if I had to type out all his curse laden language I would never get through with encounter.

He then threatens me by saying that I didn't want to piss off someone like him and at that point, I was like screw it. I tell him of he tries anything, I'll call the police and let them deal with him and I walk away all the while he's mumbling about how it was all that woman's fault and that this place was full of insane people.

I feel like I should have know better than to engage with him. And that I got off lucky things didn't end differently... But damn, if I wasn't shaking for at least ten minutes after that whole encounter...

But geez, these homeless people... They come up to Oregon because of our temperate summers and make the locals' lives miserable... What has become of my beautiful state?

soul

(no subject)

My band is bubbling again (after only 2 months!) so I'm not feeling getting another Charge HR. The Charge 2 has more features that I probably won't use but are really cool, while the Alta HR has all the features I will use and is more stylishly thin...which was one of my original complaints about the Charge HR. But I have gotten used to the size of the Charge after wearing it for so long so the Charge 2 won't bother me. And I heard it has better screen visibility and brightness... But the Charge 2 also has the color band I want but if they're just going to bubble anyway, I'll be replacing it soon enough so should that even matter?

Ugh, I can't decide! They're the same price and I have a hard time justifying less features for the same price simply for form factor. And that connected GPS feature does intrigue me even if I know I won't use it.

I like using my Fitbit like a clock. I should go with the Charge 2, especially since I'm pretty sure I'll be quite happy with it. But that Alta HR has been in the back of my consciousness for a while now... I want something thinner. I've always wanted something thinner. It's cuter. More stylish. Both of them can have different bands so I can just replace the bands when they bubble instead of always going to Fitbit for a replacement. I'm having a hard time passing over the Altra HR and giving up on it when the only reason why I went for the Charge HR was for heart rate. Now it has it and I'm still passing it over?! WHY?!

And I know it's superficial to want the Alta HR just for the looks and not the features, but I like the looks! I want the looks! (But I also want the features.) Am I that shallow?

That's a rhetorical question because I know that I am, but I usually don't allow myself to be. And I do like the Charge 2.

So I think I'm getting the Charge 2? God, I hope I won't regret this... And I promised myself the Alta 2 too... But that was before I saw they were the same freaking price! OTL

It's weird that I want it and don't want it at the same time... Okay, I'm going to sit on it for a while. The link for half off is good for a month so I might as well ruminate on it for a while. Plus, I've got a new credit card coming to me so I might as well wait to use it on this... I always have a hard time fulfilling those spend bonus offers so this would at least take off a chunk of change off of it. I'm not going to rush. Okay. That's what I'm going to do.
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative
soul

(no subject)

So... maybe I've just entertained a slightly insane idea to go to Skate America. And maybe I looked into it a bit more seriously than I should have... But damn, it'll be expensive! o.O I mean, okay, like I didn't think it would be cheap because it's in Lake Placid and that's all the way across the country. And it's being held over Thanksgiving weekend which isn't the cheapest time to fly either.

And since it's in Lake Placid, you basically would need to fly into the nearest airport and then rent a car to drive there. Apparently that's Montreal but nope, not flying to another country to drive back to America. I'm not even sure that's even allowed with rental cars. So the next closest airport is in Buffalo, so that's 2 1/2 hours of driving (and I hate driving) on top of the day spent flying across the country. Joy joy joy.

Tickets themselves are $250, which isn't too bad. And there are cheaper tickets available but I want to be as close as I can so I can throw plushies at all my favorite skaters.

Lastly, you have hotel rooms for five days, four nights? That's assuming I get there the day before the competition begins (on Thanksgiving) and leave the day after the exhibitions on Sunday, so Monday checkout. That's almost another $1000, if I don't want to go some AirBnB or motel route.

Add in food, souvenirs, all those plushies I want to throw at skaters, it will be a very expensive trip. Too expensive for my blood unfortunately. Even driving down to San Jose for US Nationals would be cheaper...

Ugh, this just makes me sad that when Skate America was in Portland, I didn't end up going when it was so freaking close! Or all those times events had been in Washington... Ugh, chances missed! Goodbye Skate America... I really only wanted to see the Americans in it anyway. Almost everybody that I like is there except for Jason Brown and Mirai Nagasu. I've been kinda keeping my eye out for Vincent Zhou since he'll be competing as a senior this year...

But I guess this just means I'll be watching them all on TV this year... I can't wait until this season starts!
  • Current Mood
    good good
soul

(no subject)

Day of cleaning for me!

It's been days, so many days of weeding but now I get to switch my focus from outside of the house to inside. Yay for me.

I hate cleaning. I really hate cleaning. But doesn't everyone? But everyone and their mother are also streaming into Hood River for Memorial Day weekend, my family included so cleaning is a necessary evil. :\

And when I say everyone is streaming in, I mean it literally. I had to run errands today and god, the traffic. It really hit home that summer has started. I was trying to get out of the Wal-Mart parking lot and by chance, it's the same road that leads into the town from the interstate and just waiting for a break in traffic so I can get out of the freaking parking lot was long... People and their boats, cars upon cars... I mean, today is Friday and everyone who has just got off work in Portland are probably driving in right now for the weekend...

Thankfully, my sister and brother aren't coming until tomorrow so that leaves me today to clean the whole house and make it somewhat presentable. So now I'm off, or I will be after I read one little Pliroy fanfic (so sue me, my favorite Pliroy author just posted a new story -- how can I resist???) and I suspect it'll be hours before I emerge...

Yay long weekends...
  • Current Mood
    busy busy
soul

(no subject)

For the last couple of days, the song 桜日和 (Sakura Biyori) has been in my head... And it's not even the song itself, it's the beginning of the song, the part where there's just a singular instrument (I have no idea if it's a string instrument but it sounds like some sort of traditional string instrument is being plucked, one string at a time) and then when the other instruments swoop in right before the vocals start. Usually it'll get through the first line, where it goes 百年の恋をしたね (hyaku nen no koi wo shita ne) and then it repeats in my mind.

And it's so strange because this song is so old... I mean, it was one of the Bleach endings. And don't get me wrong, I loved this song but I loved it back when I first heard it, back when I was still watching Bleach... For it to come up again, in my mind, all these years later is weird.

It's not like I've forgotten the song. Obviously since it's in my mind, it's been part of my consciousness ever since then. And yeah, I loved how beautiful this song was and is -- it's even the ringtone for my sister. And yeah, it's kinda weird because if you listen to the lyrics, it's very much a love song to a much beloved lover but the song was just so beautiful and maybe it was because of the subject matter that every time I heard this song, the color pink would flood my mind, but to me, pink was always my sister's color and somehow that connection was made for this song to my sister. And so it's been her ringtone for the past decade.

Maybe it's because today is my sister's 30th birthday that all this is being stirred up in my mind. I don't know. I just find it incredibly strange... I don't know. But you know that beginning I was talking about? The one with the singular instrument that sounds like it's being plucked? That always sounded like it was coming from a toy to me. Something simple and childlike. But then it just sweeps into this amazing and beautiful instrumental piece before it settles down for the vocals... Maybe I am reading too much into it but now that I think about it, it's like the transition from being a child to adulthood and how beautiful it can be when it all smooths down.

Or maybe I'm just sleep deprived right now and this is just the musings of a crazy person...

Geez, I think I need to go to bed already...
  • Current Mood
    weird weird
soul

(no subject)

So, I dropped another anime of this season. I usually drop a few each season so it isn't unlike me. But with this second drop, I've noticed something -- I don't particularly like anime with younger characters. Or at the very least, I don't now because I really don't think I had this hang up when I was younger. I mean, if I did, I probably wouldn't have watched Hikaru no Go, right? I mean that started when the main character was in elementary school! And what a shame that would have been... Hikaru no Go remains my favorite anime of all time. My first and my most beloved.

Of the others I'm currently watching from this season, there's nothing really that stands out. Of course I'm adoring YowaPeda even if the anime is entering the part of the manga that makes me most conflicted... I started reading the raws of the manga so I know it's lot of hardship to follow without the little moments of victory that the first InterHigh had... And it's making me scared because I usually like to go through all the bad stuff knowing there's something good at the end. But since I went through my Yuri!!! on Ice phase, I stopped reading the raws of Shonen Champion and am now about two months behind the manga... And really, going through that much raw manga is making me hesitant. I'm not fluent so it ends up taking time and a lot of brain power to get through them. And I know if I try and get through the YowaPeda raws, I'm going to want to get through the raws for DAYS and August Outlaw as well. I mean, geez, it's been two months, I have no idea if August Outlaw is even still in circulation. It's a newish manga so it might have already been cut for low readership already and I wouldn't have even known about it...

Oh great, now I'm worrying about whether or not August Outlaw has been canceled and I just know I won't be able to rest or do anything else until I know for certain...

Okay, not canceled as of the double issue from right before Golden Week, but they're towards the back which Bakuman has told me that it might mean bad things... :\

But back to what I was talking about. I'm enjoying YowaPeda even if it makes me anxious and of course, I'm also watching Boku no Hero Academia because I'm a total shounen freak and I adore JUMP works. Aside from that, I'm surprisingly enjoying Kabukibu! even if I'm not enjoying the actual kabuki in Kabukibu!

Oh wait, there's this one anime based on a light novel that's pretty good -- Rokudenashi Majutsu Koushi to Akashic Records. Ridiculous name, and it has some really weird fanservice-y uniforms for the girl students but it's surprisingly not bad. From what I heard, a lot of people dropped because of that after the first episode but I always give all the shows I watch several episodes to convince me and that one convinced me after the second.

Aside from those two, the only other new series I'm watching that I watch immediately are Zero kara Hajimeru Mahou no Sho, Tsuki ga Kirei, and Oushitsu Kyoushi Haine. Seeing them all together really highlights how different they all are. Zero kara is a fantasy/magic anime, Tsuki ga Kirei is a slice of life romance, and Oushitsu is fujoshi bait...? I'm kidding, sorta, but it's really like a historical royalty thing that's full of pretty guys. There's probably some plot in it but really, I watch it for the bishies. Even the King daddy is so freaking pretty... What can I say -- I'm a weak fujoshi.

But that's not all I am. When it comes to anime, it's probably mostly what I am (I think I'm into shounen manga because it's full of guys who I can slash together), but I have other pairings as well... Like, it's not just me who thinks Akko and Andrew from Little Witch Academia totally have a thing going on, right? But I suspect because Little Witch Academia is full of girl characters that all the major pairings are yuri. And I don't usually do het unless it's a canonical pairing (sometimes not even then because I totally love JJ but while JJ/Isabella is okay and I agree, Isabella is pretty damn cool, I totally ship JJ with literally anybody but Isabella and I know that's kinda awful but that's how it is) and I have no idea if Andrew and Akko will even have a thing later on... Or will it be Diana and Andrew? *shrugs* I don't know but I know that every time Andrew and Akko are together, I see such potential in their pairing... I just wish I weren't the only one... There's practically no fanfiction written of the two of them and everything else is, like I said, yuri. And I've never been a yuri fan. Ever.

So now I'm just trying to content myself with Andrew's once every couple of episodes appearances and hope that in the future, he and Akko really do develop that relationship. I feel like it's futile though... :\
  • Current Mood
    okay okay
soul

(no subject)

And it's finally back!

For a while now, my antivirus has been blocking access to my domain for some odd reason... I have no idea why the hell it was but I've managed to whitelist it in ESET so now I have access to it again! Yay!

I have no idea about all those other people with ESET who might also be blocked from my website but since I really only use it to host my LJ stylesheet and the associated image files that make up my layout, unless they're hanging out on my LJ, they don't really need access, do they? I promise my website is not dangerous! Like I said, it barely has anything at all... But now my LJ looks more like how I was used to it looking before I lost myself in AO3 and Reddit... But if I want to try and make more of an effort with LJ, having it look like my LJ goes a long way. Besides, I really did like this layout, even if it is old. But it's also familiar and while I have no idea how I manipulated it into looking like it does now ten years later, I have been and still am rather proud of how it ended up.

So I'm glad it's back (for me)! And I am feeling way too relieved about it, like it was something I had always been worrying about and never realized how much it bothered me that it was all broken until now that it's fixed. However, next step is getting ESET to whitelist my website again... Hopefully it goes well -- my fingers are crossed... And once that happens, it really will be fixed, not just for me but for everybody!!
  • Current Mood
    tired tired