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Aug. 12th, 2018

soul

(no subject)

So, lately, an old bug has been buzzing around my mind.

Last yeah, I quit on NaNoWriMo because of my cancer diagnosis. And now I finally don't feel like crap all the time (still not great but so much better than pretty much the first half of this year), I've had an urge to revisit this idea that has been kicking around my mind for a while.

Long-winded story idea...Collapse )

I think this could be a good story if I wrote it. But I don't know if I have the stamina for it. And I'm not sure how I'll be health wise in November. So I don't know.

Sometimes, I think I should just write it outside of NaNo. Don't put myself under that time crunch and pressure and just work on it slowly now... I don't know.

Dec. 10th, 2017

soul

(no subject)

It's my last night at home.

Tomorrow I go to Portland and will be starting treatment for my cancer. My town doesn't have the capabilities of handling radiation so I'll be going to OHSU for treatment. This is a good thing since OHSU is Oregon's best hospital and our only medical school. I'm probably in the best hands that I could be in this state.

But treatment is 7 weeks, five daily radiation treatments and once weekly chemotherapy. I will definitely be starting chemo tomorrow. Radiation is a bit up in the air since they seemed to have canceled my appointment without calling me so I'm going to have to figure that out tomorrow morning before we go. It's definitely scheduled for Tuesday so maybe I'm starting radiation them? I just wish they could have told me about it so I'm not all confused...

But it would be stupid to commute daily to Portland (over 60 miles away) for treatment so I'll be staying with my sister for the duration of treatment. I really hope I can come home after the radiation ends but I'm probably going to need more chemo after it so I have no idea how my health will be then.

And later this week, I'm going to get a feeding tube put in. That part, I'm actually kinda freaked out about. It's a routine procedure and is being done as a proactive measure more than anything else but there's always a risk with surgery and apparently, this one has about a 3% chance of something going wrong. It's small but it's still lingering in the back of my mind... But hopefully nothing goes wrong...

I feel like I have no idea what to expect except I should because I've researched it and I've talked to all my doctors about it already... But nothing beats hands on knowledge and the fact that everyone is different is making me a bit anxious... I just don't want to be made completely dead from my first chemo session... Radiation is supposed to be okay for the first week or two but chemo side effects are real and tomorrow is going to be a long day for me. I really hope it's not going to take the 6 hours they've blocked off for it... :\

Nov. 30th, 2017

soul

Cancer

Today I was told I had early Stage 4 Nasopharyngeal Cancer.

So very, very long of how we got here...Collapse )

LA Trip! in the midst of everything!Collapse )

Cancer talk, part 2!Collapse )

Fingers crossed for my fight. I'm praying even though I'm an atheist but every bit counts right? (Hopefully this doesn't work against me being an atheist and all...) It's gonna get real very quick if it hasn't already... This sucks but this is the hand that I was dealt so I'll just have to make due the best I can. I hope to document this the best I can, if only as a journal for others with my type of cancer. Here's hoping for the best outcome!

Sep. 12th, 2017

soul

(no subject)

So today, a homeless person asked me for some help. As someone who isn't homeless, I'm acutely aware of how much better my life is so I always seem to have a fair amount of guilt coloring all my actions towards the less fortunate. Which is why I agreed. Plus he said he was a hard of hearing, partially blind, Vietnam veteran who had been ripped off by Greyhound and hit by a car yesterday. This sets the scene.

So already I was questioning my decision to help this guy who seems very sketchy. I reluctantly believe his story since I try to assume people aren't lying to me so the pity and sympathy I'm feeling is strong. Plus, I figure a few minutes of my life to help this guy, what could it hurt?

Unfortunately, he wasn't the nice, grateful for help type of guy. He was curt and started to order me around. A woman saw this and objected to the way he was treating me. I just wanted to get this over with and get away so I tried to reassure her that I was okay and try and diffuse the situation.

That did not work because the homeless guy went off his rails and started yelling at the woman to back off and that he would do whatever he wanted. That pissed her off more and she starts really getting into it. And then her husband, incensed by how this homeless guy was treating his wife, starts getting into it as well.

So now I'm in the middle of this escalating situation and I have no idea what to do aside from trying to separate the parties and hope it doesn't descend into violence because the husband is really mad and the homeless guy won't shut up about how horrible everything was. He insults the couple who were Mexican and if you know me, you know I don't stand for that racist shit and I start getting upset. But the Mexicans weren't the only people who he hates because apparently everyone in the state of Oregon are awful, insane people and the people of Hood River even more so.

During all of this, he proclaims that people from Arizona (where he was from) were a much nicer, civilized bunch of people. When I pointed out the fact that he wasn't in Arizona, he literally tells me to go to Arizona. Like wtf?! Is that like some kind of reverse "go back to where you're from"?

The couple thankfully leaves without someone getting punched and the guy is still ranting about "those people" and how no one can tell him what to do because he was a disabled vet who got hit by a car. I tell him that doesn't excuse him from being a decent human being and he says that it does. So I remind him that I'm trying to do a nice thing and go out of my way to help him. It doesn't even seem to resonate with him because he blamed the woman for getting him riled up.

At this point, I had had enough and told him I was going to leave and that he could figure things out on his own if that is the way he was going to treat people who try to help him. He says he still needs help and demands that I stay and help him because he was a disabled vet who had gotten hit by a Mexican driving a car. I'm keeping most of this sanitized because if I had to type out all his curse laden language I would never get through with encounter.

He then threatens me by saying that I didn't want to piss off someone like him and at that point, I was like screw it. I tell him of he tries anything, I'll call the police and let them deal with him and I walk away all the while he's mumbling about how it was all that woman's fault and that this place was full of insane people.

I feel like I should have know better than to engage with him. And that I got off lucky things didn't end differently... But damn, if I wasn't shaking for at least ten minutes after that whole encounter...

But geez, these homeless people... They come up to Oregon because of our temperate summers and make the locals' lives miserable... What has become of my beautiful state?

Jul. 16th, 2017

soul

(no subject)

My band is bubbling again (after only 2 months!) so I'm not feeling getting another Charge HR. The Charge 2 has more features that I probably won't use but are really cool, while the Alta HR has all the features I will use and is more stylishly thin...which was one of my original complaints about the Charge HR. But I have gotten used to the size of the Charge after wearing it for so long so the Charge 2 won't bother me. And I heard it has better screen visibility and brightness... But the Charge 2 also has the color band I want but if they're just going to bubble anyway, I'll be replacing it soon enough so should that even matter?

Ugh, I can't decide! They're the same price and I have a hard time justifying less features for the same price simply for form factor. And that connected GPS feature does intrigue me even if I know I won't use it.

I like using my Fitbit like a clock. I should go with the Charge 2, especially since I'm pretty sure I'll be quite happy with it. But that Alta HR has been in the back of my consciousness for a while now... I want something thinner. I've always wanted something thinner. It's cuter. More stylish. Both of them can have different bands so I can just replace the bands when they bubble instead of always going to Fitbit for a replacement. I'm having a hard time passing over the Altra HR and giving up on it when the only reason why I went for the Charge HR was for heart rate. Now it has it and I'm still passing it over?! WHY?!

And I know it's superficial to want the Alta HR just for the looks and not the features, but I like the looks! I want the looks! (But I also want the features.) Am I that shallow?

That's a rhetorical question because I know that I am, but I usually don't allow myself to be. And I do like the Charge 2.

So I think I'm getting the Charge 2? God, I hope I won't regret this... And I promised myself the Alta 2 too... But that was before I saw they were the same freaking price! OTL

It's weird that I want it and don't want it at the same time... Okay, I'm going to sit on it for a while. The link for half off is good for a month so I might as well ruminate on it for a while. Plus, I've got a new credit card coming to me so I might as well wait to use it on this... I always have a hard time fulfilling those spend bonus offers so this would at least take off a chunk of change off of it. I'm not going to rush. Okay. That's what I'm going to do.

Jun. 18th, 2017

soul

(no subject)

So... maybe I've just entertained a slightly insane idea to go to Skate America. And maybe I looked into it a bit more seriously than I should have... But damn, it'll be expensive! o.O I mean, okay, like I didn't think it would be cheap because it's in Lake Placid and that's all the way across the country. And it's being held over Thanksgiving weekend which isn't the cheapest time to fly either.

And since it's in Lake Placid, you basically would need to fly into the nearest airport and then rent a car to drive there. Apparently that's Montreal but nope, not flying to another country to drive back to America. I'm not even sure that's even allowed with rental cars. So the next closest airport is in Buffalo, so that's 2 1/2 hours of driving (and I hate driving) on top of the day spent flying across the country. Joy joy joy.

Tickets themselves are $250, which isn't too bad. And there are cheaper tickets available but I want to be as close as I can so I can throw plushies at all my favorite skaters.

Lastly, you have hotel rooms for five days, four nights? That's assuming I get there the day before the competition begins (on Thanksgiving) and leave the day after the exhibitions on Sunday, so Monday checkout. That's almost another $1000, if I don't want to go some AirBnB or motel route.

Add in food, souvenirs, all those plushies I want to throw at skaters, it will be a very expensive trip. Too expensive for my blood unfortunately. Even driving down to San Jose for US Nationals would be cheaper...

Ugh, this just makes me sad that when Skate America was in Portland, I didn't end up going when it was so freaking close! Or all those times events had been in Washington... Ugh, chances missed! Goodbye Skate America... I really only wanted to see the Americans in it anyway. Almost everybody that I like is there except for Jason Brown and Mirai Nagasu. I've been kinda keeping my eye out for Vincent Zhou since he'll be competing as a senior this year...

But I guess this just means I'll be watching them all on TV this year... I can't wait until this season starts!

May. 26th, 2017

soul

(no subject)

Day of cleaning for me!

It's been days, so many days of weeding but now I get to switch my focus from outside of the house to inside. Yay for me.

I hate cleaning. I really hate cleaning. But doesn't everyone? But everyone and their mother are also streaming into Hood River for Memorial Day weekend, my family included so cleaning is a necessary evil. :\

And when I say everyone is streaming in, I mean it literally. I had to run errands today and god, the traffic. It really hit home that summer has started. I was trying to get out of the Wal-Mart parking lot and by chance, it's the same road that leads into the town from the interstate and just waiting for a break in traffic so I can get out of the freaking parking lot was long... People and their boats, cars upon cars... I mean, today is Friday and everyone who has just got off work in Portland are probably driving in right now for the weekend...

Thankfully, my sister and brother aren't coming until tomorrow so that leaves me today to clean the whole house and make it somewhat presentable. So now I'm off, or I will be after I read one little Pliroy fanfic (so sue me, my favorite Pliroy author just posted a new story -- how can I resist???) and I suspect it'll be hours before I emerge...

Yay long weekends...

May. 25th, 2017

soul

(no subject)

For the last couple of days, the song 桜日和 (Sakura Biyori) has been in my head... And it's not even the song itself, it's the beginning of the song, the part where there's just a singular instrument (I have no idea if it's a string instrument but it sounds like some sort of traditional string instrument is being plucked, one string at a time) and then when the other instruments swoop in right before the vocals start. Usually it'll get through the first line, where it goes 百年の恋をしたね (hyaku nen no koi wo shita ne) and then it repeats in my mind.

And it's so strange because this song is so old... I mean, it was one of the Bleach endings. And don't get me wrong, I loved this song but I loved it back when I first heard it, back when I was still watching Bleach... For it to come up again, in my mind, all these years later is weird.

It's not like I've forgotten the song. Obviously since it's in my mind, it's been part of my consciousness ever since then. And yeah, I loved how beautiful this song was and is -- it's even the ringtone for my sister. And yeah, it's kinda weird because if you listen to the lyrics, it's very much a love song to a much beloved lover but the song was just so beautiful and maybe it was because of the subject matter that every time I heard this song, the color pink would flood my mind, but to me, pink was always my sister's color and somehow that connection was made for this song to my sister. And so it's been her ringtone for the past decade.

Maybe it's because today is my sister's 30th birthday that all this is being stirred up in my mind. I don't know. I just find it incredibly strange... I don't know. But you know that beginning I was talking about? The one with the singular instrument that sounds like it's being plucked? That always sounded like it was coming from a toy to me. Something simple and childlike. But then it just sweeps into this amazing and beautiful instrumental piece before it settles down for the vocals... Maybe I am reading too much into it but now that I think about it, it's like the transition from being a child to adulthood and how beautiful it can be when it all smooths down.

Or maybe I'm just sleep deprived right now and this is just the musings of a crazy person...

Geez, I think I need to go to bed already...

May. 21st, 2017

soul

(no subject)

So, I dropped another anime of this season. I usually drop a few each season so it isn't unlike me. But with this second drop, I've noticed something -- I don't particularly like anime with younger characters. Or at the very least, I don't now because I really don't think I had this hang up when I was younger. I mean, if I did, I probably wouldn't have watched Hikaru no Go, right? I mean that started when the main character was in elementary school! And what a shame that would have been... Hikaru no Go remains my favorite anime of all time. My first and my most beloved.

Of the others I'm currently watching from this season, there's nothing really that stands out. Of course I'm adoring YowaPeda even if the anime is entering the part of the manga that makes me most conflicted... I started reading the raws of the manga so I know it's lot of hardship to follow without the little moments of victory that the first InterHigh had... And it's making me scared because I usually like to go through all the bad stuff knowing there's something good at the end. But since I went through my Yuri!!! on Ice phase, I stopped reading the raws of Shonen Champion and am now about two months behind the manga... And really, going through that much raw manga is making me hesitant. I'm not fluent so it ends up taking time and a lot of brain power to get through them. And I know if I try and get through the YowaPeda raws, I'm going to want to get through the raws for DAYS and August Outlaw as well. I mean, geez, it's been two months, I have no idea if August Outlaw is even still in circulation. It's a newish manga so it might have already been cut for low readership already and I wouldn't have even known about it...

Oh great, now I'm worrying about whether or not August Outlaw has been canceled and I just know I won't be able to rest or do anything else until I know for certain...

Okay, not canceled as of the double issue from right before Golden Week, but they're towards the back which Bakuman has told me that it might mean bad things... :\

But back to what I was talking about. I'm enjoying YowaPeda even if it makes me anxious and of course, I'm also watching Boku no Hero Academia because I'm a total shounen freak and I adore JUMP works. Aside from that, I'm surprisingly enjoying Kabukibu! even if I'm not enjoying the actual kabuki in Kabukibu!

Oh wait, there's this one anime based on a light novel that's pretty good -- Rokudenashi Majutsu Koushi to Akashic Records. Ridiculous name, and it has some really weird fanservice-y uniforms for the girl students but it's surprisingly not bad. From what I heard, a lot of people dropped because of that after the first episode but I always give all the shows I watch several episodes to convince me and that one convinced me after the second.

Aside from those two, the only other new series I'm watching that I watch immediately are Zero kara Hajimeru Mahou no Sho, Tsuki ga Kirei, and Oushitsu Kyoushi Haine. Seeing them all together really highlights how different they all are. Zero kara is a fantasy/magic anime, Tsuki ga Kirei is a slice of life romance, and Oushitsu is fujoshi bait...? I'm kidding, sorta, but it's really like a historical royalty thing that's full of pretty guys. There's probably some plot in it but really, I watch it for the bishies. Even the King daddy is so freaking pretty... What can I say -- I'm a weak fujoshi.

But that's not all I am. When it comes to anime, it's probably mostly what I am (I think I'm into shounen manga because it's full of guys who I can slash together), but I have other pairings as well... Like, it's not just me who thinks Akko and Andrew from Little Witch Academia totally have a thing going on, right? But I suspect because Little Witch Academia is full of girl characters that all the major pairings are yuri. And I don't usually do het unless it's a canonical pairing (sometimes not even then because I totally love JJ but while JJ/Isabella is okay and I agree, Isabella is pretty damn cool, I totally ship JJ with literally anybody but Isabella and I know that's kinda awful but that's how it is) and I have no idea if Andrew and Akko will even have a thing later on... Or will it be Diana and Andrew? *shrugs* I don't know but I know that every time Andrew and Akko are together, I see such potential in their pairing... I just wish I weren't the only one... There's practically no fanfiction written of the two of them and everything else is, like I said, yuri. And I've never been a yuri fan. Ever.

So now I'm just trying to content myself with Andrew's once every couple of episodes appearances and hope that in the future, he and Akko really do develop that relationship. I feel like it's futile though... :\

May. 16th, 2017

soul

(no subject)

And it's finally back!

For a while now, my antivirus has been blocking access to my domain for some odd reason... I have no idea why the hell it was but I've managed to whitelist it in ESET so now I have access to it again! Yay!

I have no idea about all those other people with ESET who might also be blocked from my website but since I really only use it to host my LJ stylesheet and the associated image files that make up my layout, unless they're hanging out on my LJ, they don't really need access, do they? I promise my website is not dangerous! Like I said, it barely has anything at all... But now my LJ looks more like how I was used to it looking before I lost myself in AO3 and Reddit... But if I want to try and make more of an effort with LJ, having it look like my LJ goes a long way. Besides, I really did like this layout, even if it is old. But it's also familiar and while I have no idea how I manipulated it into looking like it does now ten years later, I have been and still am rather proud of how it ended up.

So I'm glad it's back (for me)! And I am feeling way too relieved about it, like it was something I had always been worrying about and never realized how much it bothered me that it was all broken until now that it's fixed. However, next step is getting ESET to whitelist my website again... Hopefully it goes well -- my fingers are crossed... And once that happens, it really will be fixed, not just for me but for everybody!!

May. 14th, 2017

soul

(no subject)

So predictably, I've been really into Yuri!!! on Ice.

Yuri!!! on Ice RamblingsCollapse )

I think I need help. But it's so good, and I just can't stop...

And god help me if there's ever a second season... I have no idea what I'll do then.

Probably self-combust and die.

Seriously, aren't I too old for stuff like this??? But if anything, it's made me feel incredibly young lately... Still, I'm not sure that's a good or bad thing.

Jun. 12th, 2016

soul

(no subject)

A weird thing kinda happened today.

I was walking out of McDonalds and a homeless guy asked me for some food. Without hesitation, I turned back and I handed him one of the Big Macs I had just bought. He thank me and I walked away, wondering why the hell I just did that.

I like to think I'm a good person most of the time. I try very hard not to be mean and evil because I know my personality leans towards being unkind. It's something I'm aware of so I try actively to be better. I may not be a good person by default, but damn it, I'm going to try my best to counteract it.

But that's probably why I feel uneasy about the whole exchange. I know homelessness isn't a choice. And that it's hard to get out of. I try to give people down on their luck the benefit of the doubt and try to think the best of them. So even though my mind is thinking awful things that everyone thinks of the homeless, I try through my actions to be better than that.

I always said I would give a homeless person food if they ever needed it instead of money. They can't exactly use a sandwich to buy booze or drugs, right? But it's never happened before. I've never run across a homeless person while I had something to give on me (aside from cash, but hell if I'm ever going to show my wallet to someone homeless -- and there goes my mind going to nasty places again...) before. Until today. Is that why I gave him a Big Mac? I really don't know.

I wasn't even going to go to McDonalds. I don't particularly like their food, even though Big Macs are my weakness, but it's a National Streetpass Weekend and I wanted to take advantage of that. And I wanted to try their strawberry lemonade. But like I said, Big Macs are my weakness and they have that McPick 2 for $5 promotion so I decided to get a Big Mac for now, and to squirrel away the other as a snack later. I wasn't buying the other Big Mac for someone, and I really don't need to eat two Big Macs so it's perfectly give awayable. Plus, it's not like $2.50 is going to hurt me. I spend much more than that just on the strawberry lemonade and all Starbucks I drink.

It's like a good deed for $2.50.

But I still feel uneasy. Did I just enable this guy? Is her going to panhandle more because I gave in? Obviously it works since I gave him food. Why would he stop if it works? Am I contributing to the homelessness problem that's already become a problem, even in my small town? Is my good deed ultimately not good? I feel like I should have walked away. But would I feel the same sort of guilt if I did? Or guilt of a different kind? I have no idea if what I did was wrong or not, only that I feel kinda weird about it. Good because I hope I did help that homeless guy but I have no idea if I did or not. Bad because I feel like I just enabled him and bad because I feel bad for thinking that way. :\

Apr. 15th, 2016

soul

(no subject)

I called 911 for real a few weeks ago. For the first time.

I was at work and someone had collapsed. She had passed out and was lying on the ground like she was dead. I thought she was dead. Her husband was right next to her. They were an older Native American couple that I see around maybe once a month, or maybe once every couple of months.

The way he sounded when he called out her name, begging her not to do this to him and to wake up... I don't think I will ever forget how it sounded for the rest of my life. I've never heard such blind panic before.

So I grabbed my cell and I called 911, hoping to get help in time. Thankfully, she came back to during the phone call, but it was while I was relaying things back and forth with the operator and her husband that I found out she was in her early 60s (slightly older than my own father!!), and that they both had diabetes. The husband was afraid it was stroke or a heart attack, but when the paramedics came, they determined her blood pressure was good and that her heart rate was in the 30s and was what had made her pass out when she bent down to pick something up.

They thought there might be a blockage or something else that was causing the low heart rate and because it was bouncing back up to normal, they determined it was best if they took her to the hospital for further tests.

I have no idea if she's okay now. I hope she is. It would be a shame if something more happened to her.

What made me think of this now is that someone I knew moderately well just passed way along similar circumstances early this week. He was with his wife, shopping at a mall and had just had Mexican for lunch when he felt like he had some horrible heartburn. And then he collapsed right there. It was a heart attack. They tried shocking him, but it was too late. He didn't even make it to the hospital. And he was only 41.

It's crazy. I just saw him last week too. He seemed perfectly fine. I mean, he was morbidly obese so we all knew it probably wouldn't end well with him but none of us ever thought he would go this soon. I always assumed that once he retired, he would take better care of himself now that he had all this free time. And he retired less than half a year ago! He didn't even really get to enjoy his freedom! It's such a damn shame.

He left behind three daughters, two of which are still in high school... His own mother only passed away two years ago... *shakes head* Everything about this is depressing.

His funeral is on Sunday, which by some extreme coincidence, none of us can go to because Sunday is my niece's 100 Day party. It's been planned for weeks now and there's a ton of family and friends invited so it's not like we can get out of it.

And through all this, I can't but be selfish and think of myself, my own mortality, and of that of the people around me. It's sad and scary and I just don't know anything anymore... It just makes me want to hide away in my house and never come out again.

Dec. 12th, 2015

soul

(no subject)

I am feeling rather anxious... But it's typical for this time of the year... It's almost Christmas so that means a lot of things to do...

Giftwise, I'm pretty good. I have something for everyone and I'm working on something for my sister... I don't know how it'll turn out but I'm feeling hopeful about it. It's going better than I thought it would at least...

I'm also doing Reddit's Secret Santa exchange so this year I have an extra person to shop for. I did international and now I kinda regret it. It was super expensive and in a way, I feel like I might relate better to an another American. It didn't help that my giftee is basically Reddit's core demographic -- white, 20-something male gamer. I was really hoping for another geek to geek out for... Anyway, I didn't feel like I did my best... :( But hopefully it was good enough.

And now I still have shopping to do. I still have some Christmas baking to do but I can't start on it too soon or they won't be awesome...

So far, I plan to make white chocolate cranberry bars, snickerdoodles, sugar cookies, and I'm thinking gingerbread people. I bought some cute gingerbread cookie cutters last year and I want to give a gingerbread family to everyone...

But people don't really like gingerbread. And I don't do gingerbread very well either (so many bad recipes out there) so I might switch it out for something else.

I'm also thinking chocolate dipped biscotti... That in a nice bag, a tin full of cookies, a bottle of my homemade vanilla extract, a small glass jar of vanilla sugar will make out my giftbags for this year...

I want to get working on it already but if I don't time it properly, it won't work... Biscotti can keep for a while, snickerdoodles and sugar cookies can have their dough made ahead of time and frozen... Vanilla sugar takes very little time and the extract has been infusing for a while so the only thing I need to do there is buy the bottles and jars, but thank god for Amazon Prime and their 2-day shipping...

But the bars won't keep and I have no idea if gingerbread can be frozen... And it's not like they're easy and quick to make... Just decorating them takes forever.

And I also want to make some red velvet white chocolate chip cookies too... I made some last year and while I gave some to my brother's girlfriend intending on them sharing the cookies, apparently she ate them all before he could get one... And he was miffed he didn't get a tin of cookies to himself... But really, even Diana and her husband only got one giftbag to themselves too... When you're a couple, you share the swag. But now I feel guilty and feel like I want to make it up this year...

But last year I did four types of cookies too (red velvet chocolate chip, snickerdoodles, bourbon chocolate crack, and Mexican wedding) and that was a lot of baking over a one week span. I'm not totally sure I want to do more this year...especially when some of those recipes are new to me...

And what the hell is up with butter prices this year? It's like $5 a pound!! O.O

Nov. 30th, 2015

soul

(no subject)



NaNoWriMo is over! Not too bad, I think!

I didn't finish my story. T_T

But I got really close! And much further than I have with any other story I've ever done with NaNoWriMo!

I have no idea if I will ever finish my story. Or post it should I ever finish... I'm half tempted to edit it in parts, post them up as I finish edit them and then that will force me to finish writing the story because then it'll be out there and people might actually want to finish reading it. But then again, I get scared that it's absolute crap (which is a distinct possibility) and it makes no sense and I'm going to get ripped apart by the reviews and then I reconsider ever even thinking about posting it out there...

Geez, things were a lot easier when you're a fearless kid... Now I'm old and I worry about everything...

Nov. 14th, 2015

soul

(no subject)

So, somehow I managed to get past 30K words today. Yay...

I'm not too enthused because ever since I skipped that one part of the story, I feel like I'm out of sync with my story. It's not coming as easily as it was before and I don't know, I just don't feel as much passion as I did. Maybe it was always going to happen. I mean, I'm finally writing my own story, one that isn't dictated by canon after all. And maybe I just hit a natural slump since I'm this far into the story. I don't know, but whatever writing I'm doing now, it's slow going...

Still, I'm not doing that badly, I think. The weird thing is I think I've developed a bit of complex with my dialogue. Because it is an anime fanfic, sometimes, I can't help but think what these characters might say in Japanese at certain times. And then I write in English my sorta translation of it and it's making my dialogue somewhat weird and stilted. I need to get away from that, but at the same time, I want it to feel like these characters could be saying what they're saying and part of it is dictated by what Japanese would say at certain times. OTL

And another issue is that I'm treading very close to Victorious Kiss 3Q right now. I've avoided doing anything similar so far but it's really hard because I've come to think of certain moments as practically canon and I feel like I need to steer my story towards it. I guess that's what I get for rereading it so many times since I got it last week... It's ingrained itself into my head. I love it, but I can't copy it. I absolutely cannot copy it!

But aside from that, I guess NaNo is moving along well for me. And outside of that, Oregon won against Stanford today!! We knocked them out of the playoffs! Whoo! That's revenge for those back to back years where they knocked us out of the National Championship!

Nov. 12th, 2015

soul

(no subject)

You know what? I can't stand it. Knowing what I know, knowing what I lack, I find myself at a standstill...

Even though I committed to the next part of my story, this overwhelming feeling of unease is paralyzingly me. I know I can move on. I know what I wanted to do -- scenes that I planned to use are in still there, I just wanted to weave them through the established canon. Unfortunately, I'm just not able to do that now.

I want to write but I don't at the same time. I can't get over the fact that this feels very wrong to me. I write linearly -- one thing leads to another to another and it all builds on what went before. I don't skip to the good parts, I sludge through to get there. That's just the type of person I am.

So, I've decided to take today. I'll read up to volume 25. It'll take a while but I don't read that slow. And if I have time, maybe I can do some writing today... I don't type that slow but working with canon is always so going for me so who know how it'll go.

I feel slightly better about this but I'm still not totally okay with it. Usually, I'd like to ruminate on the canon , think of how I can work around it but I feel like this is really rushed. I don't think I can bring out the best as I am now. Or even after devouring several volumes at once. I probably should skip this section of my story anyway. At least I'll have it in my mind to work from instead of having this blank.

Oh man, I just don't know what to do. I've decided on something but is it the right thing to do? Am I overthinking this too much? This NaNo seriously is the most troublesome I've ever been in.

edit x1: You know what, I'll sleep when I'm dead. I'm going to make this work somehow...
soul

(no subject)

NaNo really is a roller coaster ride this year!

I got to a really good place with my writing yesterday. I finished what I wanted to do, got to where I thought I needed to be and was rolling on so smoothly, it felt like I could continue forever. I had a handle of my story! It was exactly where it needed to be! What could go wrong?

But now...

Not knowing the full canon is really kicking me in the ass. Like, I fucked up so badly. I totally miscalculated. I should have realized when I watched the Tip Off episode. I should have realized when I realized volume 25 was dedicated to the Teikou 3rd year. And I thought since I got the gist of that volume, that I would be okay.

Nope, not fine. Because the whole Teikou arc? It started at the end of volume 23. I'm still two volumes behind. I had no idea there was enough in the manga to cover all three years of Teikou.

Why the hell didn't I check before now? Why didn't I check the volume before and after 25 when I realized what volume 25 was about? How could I be SO STUPID. And there's no way for me to write a coherent story without knowing that era. I mean, geez! What the hell! All my talk about canon... I should have realized it was impossible if you don't have the full canon with you.

The worst part of this is that I'm there in my story. I have no idea where my source material is in the manga so I'll never be able to find the right parts for my story... I'm so tempted to just skip the whole thing. The thing is, I kinda wanted Kise to fall in love during that time -- those couple of months when things were working right with the team before Aomine started going off the rails and up the 2nd Championship. And I wanted Kuroko to start kinda soften towards Kise so it's actually an important part of my story so how can I skip it?

I really can't. Not in the story at least.

But what I can do is skip it for now. I'll come back to it after I get a chance to get to the manga. I should have used today to catch up but I've been making a ton of stupid decisions when it comes to NaNo lately so of course I didn't. I mean, seriously, what was I thinking? Writing a fanfic for a series that's over? That's like perfect! All you need to do is know what happened in the series by finishing the damn thing! Why would you ever go and write a fanfic where you're only 2/3 of the way through? I doomed myself from the very beginning. So stupid...

Anyway, so I've decided to skip it for now. I'll jump to the next major point in my story -- Kise convincing Kuroko to go to Kaijou. It's in that time after the 3rd Championship when Kuroko decided to quit the club and basically decide to skip school all the time. I seriously have no idea how that's possible since the Championship is probably in July/August so the 3rd years can retire and focus on entrance exams. Final grades for the second semester will be in December and exams will happen in January and Febuary so that's like seven or eight months that Kuroko would have to be absent for. No matter how great his perfect attendance is before he started skipping, I sincerely doubt he'll be able to graduate if he decides to skip for that length of time... So I'll have to come up with something.

So that's where I'm at. My story wasn't supposed to focus so much on Teikou but when I realized I wanted Kise to fall in love first, I realized it had to be during that 2nd year when he first joined the team. So that's why I've spent 20K words on it. OTL

This was supposed to be about Kaijou Kise/Kuroko. I feel like I've let my story get away from me. At this rate, I'll never actually make it there in 50K words! It'll have to happen in the sequel! I'm laughing so much because there isn't going to be a sequel! No way! This story has grown way too freaking big. I was way too ambitious! Oh god, what a fucking mess. And not to mention, I don't feel good about jumping over this rather important part of my story, even if it is temporary. I wanted to discover in love!Kise, use that to transition to this part of the story that I want to write. I mean, I know how I have Kise falling for Kuroko, I just haven't explored it in depth the way I would if I were writing it out. *sigh* I just feel uneasy about this. And slightly guilty. This was supposed to be the fun part of my story too...I've spent the most time thinking about this part of the story. I mean, it's Kaijo KiKuro so of course, I had to think of a way to get them there in the first place. Kise is easy but Kuroko? After what happened in the 3rd Championship? Yeah, that was always going to be a problem. But I've thought it out properly, planned it out like I was supposed to and I was looking forward to writing this part of the story.

Frankly, I had planned on this being a focal point. It's one of the reasons why Victorious Kiss 3Q made me so upset -- it did what I wanted to do the most and did it better than I could have ever done it. So now I now I feel uneasy because there's a hole in my story. And I feel excited because I'm going to write what I wanted to write about since the beginning, the reason why I started this story in the first place! There's always something you want to see happen when you write a fic, right? This is my moment. You build up to it properly and then you go have fun. I haven't built up to it properly so I don't feel good about it at all... But this is what I wanted to write the most! So I'm still excited to see it come to life. But I'm also guilty that I feel that way because I failed as a author because of my lack of preparation.

I really have no idea what kind of story this is going to be. Thank god, I currently have no plans to actually post this anywhere. It's such a mess, it's probably going to take me forever to rewrite...if I ever rewrite it...

And now I've shifted back to hating NaNo. But just wait! In two or three days, when I have my story rolling again, I'll probably be flying high again. Or not. I might just hate it even more at that time. I don't know. Right now I just feel like I suck so badly at writing. And at NaNo. It all just sucks.

(But I am still writing, so at least there's that...? OTL)

Nov. 11th, 2015

soul

(no subject)

NaNo went super smooth for me today.

Or so I thought.

And then I realized the anime sorta contradicts what I wrote since I was basing everything on the manga. I mean, I've seen half of the first season of Kuroko no Basket but I've read 20 volumes so all I really know is the manga. Unfortunately, the Tip Off special is in the latter half of the first season that I haven't watched yet. And it messes with my story.

So what should I do? Rewrite that part of the story? If I do, I'll have to reorder it as well. Timeline wise, the anime jumped around what was written in the manga so while I could make it work, it'll take a little finesse. And they added stuff too, and I kinda do what to put that in my story, but since that part of the anime is in Kise's PoV and my story is in Kuroko's, it'll take a little work there too. Plus, I'm not really sure it's all worth it to be truthful. I liked what I wrote. It fits with the manga. It's not bad. I'm almost loathed to lose it because for once, I'm actually somewhat satisfied with what I wrote. It's not all crap! Do you know how rare it is for me to feel that way about my own writing? I suppose I feel like if I change it, what I write now will inevitably be worse than it was before. But what if it's better?
I don't know what to do.

Trying to write a story that based on canon is hard when you have two sources of canon... And when they're slightly different from each other.

I know I should have finished the manga at the very least. And it would have been better if I had finished the anime too before November. But I didn't. And I'm still working on it. I need to get to volume 25 at the very least. That seems like a very important volume since it's basically all Teikou and how they all fell apart and it's essential for my story because that's where it all comes together for Kise and Kuroko... I have to get them together at that point. If I don't, then this story is meaningless and I've failed to tell my story. OTL

I'm feeling kinda lost here. Rewrite? Add extra content? Should I push myself to match up with the anime canon? Does it even matter? Maybe I should think about this after November... They do tell you not to edit, right? Ignore the inner editor... But ugh, if it wasn't a canon issue, I would feel much better about this. I don't like stories that take place in canon to take a lot of liberties. And based on that special episode I just watched, I took a lot of liberties. o.O

So how can I ignore this?

And seriously, I felt so good about the 3K I wrote today too... I made it to 20K words total, I didn't hate what I wrote, I got to a good place in my story... And then this had to happen. It's so sad, it's funny.

OTL

NaNoWriMo, you continue to frustrate the hell out of me. Even when things are good, they're still bad.

Nov. 10th, 2015

soul

(no subject)

There's something about this year's NaNo... It feels different in every way. I feel more of afraid of my story but I'n also more excited to write. I can't say what I'm writing is any good (I'm pretty sure most of it is crap) but I feel like I'm doing better than I have in the past compared to where I'm at during the same time of the month... If that makes any sense. And it's not like I'm writing more or anything like that... I do about 1800 words, a little more than the daily quota. In the past, I would usually have built up a few days' cushion by now but not this year... Maybe that's keeping me from bot burning out so quickly? I don't know.

But not frantically trying to pad my word count means I've been able to do other things with my free time... Mostly I've been reading Kise/Kuroko raw doujinshi and watching Chihayafuru...

Raw doujinshi is AWESOME. Why have I never indulged before? And now, people are so good about putting out high quality scans... It's definitely helping my Japanese which is awesome. I just wish a lot of them weren't on tumblr... That place is exhausting trying to find download links.

As for Chihayafuru, I've just finished both seasons! It reminds me so much of Hikaru no Go, I couldn't help but fall in love with it. But it's also so freaking heartbreaking that it destroys me.

I mean, I like Arata. A lot. I seriously think Chihaya is in love with him too. And he likes her! And they love karuta together! It should be perfect...

But then there's Taichi! Who is always there! And the story makes you feel sorry for him. And since Arata is hardly ever there, Taichi is the one person you get to know. And I want him to be happy....

Ugh, that series... I'm not even sure how I want the manga to end anymore... Can't they all just be friends? :(

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