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soul

You know what? I can't stand it. Knowing what I know, knowing what I lack, I find myself at a standstill...

Even though I committed to the next part of my story, this overwhelming feeling of unease is paralyzingly me. I know I can move on. I know what I wanted to do -- scenes that I planned to use are in still there, I just wanted to weave them through the established canon. Unfortunately, I'm just not able to do that now.

I want to write but I don't at the same time. I can't get over the fact that this feels very wrong to me. I write linearly -- one thing leads to another to another and it all builds on what went before. I don't skip to the good parts, I sludge through to get there. That's just the type of person I am.

So, I've decided to take today. I'll read up to volume 25. It'll take a while but I don't read that slow. And if I have time, maybe I can do some writing today... I don't type that slow but working with canon is always so going for me so who know how it'll go.

I feel slightly better about this but I'm still not totally okay with it. Usually, I'd like to ruminate on the canon , think of how I can work around it but I feel like this is really rushed. I don't think I can bring out the best as I am now. Or even after devouring several volumes at once. I probably should skip this section of my story anyway. At least I'll have it in my mind to work from instead of having this blank.

Oh man, I just don't know what to do. I've decided on something but is it the right thing to do? Am I overthinking this too much? This NaNo seriously is the most troublesome I've ever been in.

edit x1: You know what, I'll sleep when I'm dead. I'm going to make this work somehow...

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